Posted by David on November 01, 1997 at 03:57:10:
In Reply to: I've hit bottom and need advise! posted by Jared on October 30, 1997 at 14:35:28:
: I am young as humans go and according to my Mother, Ihave been thinking too much about my depression and that it is all in my head. I don't think so!
: I still don't know which of the many pains in my life is causing the depression, but I found a book that deals with what it called "toxic shame". I have had homosexual feelings for almost six years and haven't been able to tell a soul. Everyone that I know is very anti-gay, but the biggest problem is that I am too. I have NO desire to be gay, but the thoughts keep coming into my head. I just don't know what to do. This shame is eating up my life, and this is a time where I should be enjoying life. Right now I feel that there is no one that I can talk to and that there is nothing that I can do. Is there anyone out there that can help?!!
: Jared, I have been involved with different spiritual groups and teachings that help explain what it is I feel you may be going through. Anytime I feel that some thing is taboo, bad or wrong and have that same "thing" as part of my conciousness there is going to be a battle. The answer is simple. You are not gay. You are not straight. You are a living, breathing soul with a personality and a healthy curiosity. A couple years ago I attracted a situation in which an older male friend asked me if I would give him a blow job. I was shocked in some ways but not that supprised in others. For years I had been telling others how I thought Gays or sex with men was sick. There is that old saying "what you resist persists". I believe much of life is about guilt, shame and ultimately foregiveness.If you believe that your thoughts or fellings are wrong my best advice would be for you to find a safe place to check it out. There are many spiritual healing centers or groups that would help you dig alittle deeper. I would strongly recommend groups that deal with "Tantric Energy" (sexuality). Everyone has energy tied up inside because of false beliefs. Chances are much of what you are going through relates to how you judge your parents ( how you see them). Take Care, Jared. Things always seem most desperate just before a breakthrough!
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