Mediocre Notes
1: laughing blue morning
2: cycling (fin de siècle)
3: parodies
4: writing (1)
5: Rilke, Roethke, Donne & Bradstreet
6: inventory
7: just another day
8: dear friends and gentle hearts
9: Daniela
10: wonder freaks
11: favorite words (the meaning of the ring)
Subject: laughing blue morning
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 23:25:38 -0600 (CST) "A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself." -Don Marquis Almost a year has passed since i wrote the November Notes. ("...I should have known it right from the start." -the Police) Some of you haven't heard from me since then. A few friends have just said hello again after years between. I don't understand much more of life than last year or years ago, but i need to write again, even if only mediocre notes. "It wasn't that he wrote no poetry during those years. He continued to write, and many of the poems were magnificent. But he had set his heart on a new departure, something deep and amazing that would justify his life, and it didn't happen. He didn't want occasional poems; he wanted something intense, fierce: a single work, a unified creation..." -Rainer Maria Rilke, described by Robert Bly Oh, before i forget, a disclaimer: i quote a lot. I tend to think in quote- sized blocks. Music lyrics, especially, are always running on a teleprompter in my head. "I may not be normal, but nobody is" (sung by Willie Nelson). Please don't tell me to "stop quoting somebody else and say what Kinnith thinks." Quotes are much of what i think. Excerpts from books i'm reading-- things that make some of you go numb--are also part of what i'm thinking. My life is fairly boring; my own ideas are common. ("I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night." -Fiona Apple) So i borrow. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- For this introduction, it seems most appropriate to replay the quote that got me started writing the Nowonder Notes: "To be human is to wonder. Children wonder for a while, before we teach them to be smug about the obvious and stop asking silly questions. It is easier to pay men to retain a little of the child and do our wondering for us. We then take comfort in the assumption that any man devoted to such esoteric pursuits must be insensitive, perhaps even inhuman. With our artists, we perform the equal disservice of regarding them as too sensitive. Occasionally we are given a glimpse of the finished product. The baby is displayed behind glass, well-scrubbed, and one need not know about the delivery room (it is soundproofed). Thus we are spared the agony of wonder, which is not unlike love and makes as little (or as much) sense as love. But wonder is just too human to fully repress, and it does turn up elsewhere. Some of us turn to fads for the occult, which, interpreted by our twentieth-century minds, becomes a 'pop-art' science. More often, we find ourselves left with nothing to wonder about (or to love) but what remains of ourselves after the loss of yet another portion of our humanity. I, for one, refuse to believe that nothing can be done about this empty place, or about the more general disease of which it is but a minor symptom. But as long as we are sundered so, let me remain one of the children and wonder." -Robert H. March, in the afterword to his book Physics For Poets Sporadically, -Kinnith, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus Christ P.S. "Recorded, mixed, and produced by Pierre Marchand." Which is to say, i'm surfacing again. The Nowonder Notes, from fall '96-spring '97, are online. If you want to read, but tire of reading these notes, i recommend Eve Andersson's old Web pages, especially the armchair philosophy in "Eve Asks!". Also see her new Web home. Masthead: The Mediocre Notes, published whenever i feel like it. Colophon: I use text-based email software, so these notes will read best in a fixed-pitch font.Subject: cycling (fin de siècle)
Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998 21:48:37 -0500 (CDT) First, housekeeping: No, i have not [yet] fallen off the face of the earth. Yes, i am still writing Mediocre Notes. (And blank messages, accidentally. I guess that was just a "ping".) No, i do not write very often. Yes, i do read my email, at least once every couple weeks. Many of you are losing (have already lost?) your email accounts. I lose my UAH-CS account at the end of 1998 June. You can get free email, usually Web- based, from any of several services. No, i don't have time to research the choices in order to recommend them. Yes, my postal address and email address are available on the Web. My postal address is on my antiquated resume, available from a link on my home page. You can also check my home page to see whether i am logged on, which is not usually likely. Find my current email address, and many others', at Four11. (Thanks to Dean Lewis for introducing me to Four11.) No, some of you don't have Web access; you have only Juno email. And some don't have real Internet access--you're being used by AOL. ("Is this my problem? Is this my fault?" -Paul Simon, "Gumboots") My email address is "natural.born.fool at mindless dot com." Why don't i just list the address? Because i hate spam (spurious or unsolicited email). That address, "natural.born.fool..." is actually an alias. Mail sent there was previously forwarded to "kwallace at cs.uah.edu" and will soon be sent to my HiWAAY account. No matter where my real email account is, you should always be able to reach me at "natural.born.fool..."--as long as i have an email account somewhere. I got the alias through iName, when they were offering free aliases for life. You can still get a free alias, but it will be "@iName.com". Now, after housekeeping, sit down and watch the computer monitor: -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- I am at home everywhere, I'm a connoisseur of roads. and no where. I've been tasting roads my whole life. I am never a stranger, -from the movie My Own Private Idaho and I never quite belong. (not recommended) -George Simeon (from Shelli Langdale) It seems so long since i've talked to most of you (never before, for some). In the mean time, you've had all sorts of experiences--you've moved, started a new job, been on TV, sat in the Space Shuttle, lost weight in zero-gravity testing, graduated or changed your program of study or begun filling credit hours for a new degree, gotten married, had a baby, had pizza for lunch and didn't brush your teeth. No changes for me. (No lunch pizza, either.) "I'm just wondering...why I'm a stranger in my own life." -Sheryl Crow Below i describe, in blurry paragraphs, some of my experiences as a stranger. ------------------------Bike a few miles in my shoes.------------------------ 1998 March 26-30, i bicycled from Huntsville to Nashville and back. From Rocket City to Music City is 125 miles as the odometer flies, about the same as from Longview, TX, to Dallas (a journey i made during 1994 March 13-17). I was in better shape for the Dallas trip, but i had better equipment for going to Nashville. This time i bought road tires for my mountain bike, and made my own CamelBak-like liquid dispenser for US$ 16 (a real CamelBak costs from $40 to $90.) I had a better, lighter bike, thanks to an anonymous gift from someone at LeTourneau in 1995 (the mountain bike that took me to Dallas was stolen after i returned). When flooding forced many people in our area to higher ground, my niece's family stayed with us. We set up a police scanner to get news of their neighborhood, but when it crackled to life, an unintelligible voice squawked from the speaker. My niece's two-year-old daughter toddled over to it and said, 'A cheeseburger Happy Meal, please.' -George T. Graybill Jr., from Dec 1996 Reader's Digest I hate that hamburger in my pocket song, it makes me want to say I'm a little girl searching for my kitten. Oh no the dog has my thumb again. Pass the spam. -A. S. Wallace, 1997 Mar 27 "I can't sleep, i can't eat, but i just might move my feet..." -J.T., "Mud Slide Slim" Actually, i can eat--while bicycling, that is. I've already had more McDonald's food than a billion people in China (individually), but i ate there several times anyway. In Ardmore and in Lewisburg, i got two cheese- burgers to go, put one in my backpack and one in my pocket, and ate them while riding. (Backpack? Yes, an unequipped bike.) "I'll be back on my feet some day..." -P. Mayfield, "Hit The Road Jack" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ With a little patience, bicycling for countless hours can be bearable. It would be more enjoyable if it were safe to listen to headphones. I have the music in my head, but that station plays the same tunes too often. Songs like "Highway Chile" [1], by Jimi Hendrix, recurred. Also lines from James Taylor [2], like this one, which the internal D.J. played on every hill: "Yonder mountain, so high, i can't make it all on my own..." When you stop skiing after several hours of activity, you feel as though you're still wearing skis. With bicycling, your legs feel compelled to continue their rotary track. "I reckon my feet know where they want me to go..." (James Taylor, "Country Road"). "Goin' Down The Road Feelin' Bad" -song title by Big Bill Broonzy I remembered the tedium, but i had forgotten part of what makes my trips so slow. I rarely stop to rest, but periodically i have to walk, because my legs begin to cramp in their small orbit. And every stop is neatly planned for a lamppost or a bicycle stand. (1998-04-27, 21:40) I rested my legs in downtown Nashville a few times. I visited the Ryman Museum & Auditorium, the Nashville Public Library, and part of the lush campus of Vanderbilt University. I split my pants in Nashville on Saturday. My favorite pair of shorts is no better than its seams. "the winds of March that make my heart a dancer" -Marvell, Strachey, & Link In fact, the wind made me a slow dancer Sunday. "I was built for comfort, i wasn't built for speed" (Willie Dixon). My best average speed with no wind might be 15 mph; the Monday wind made me a shadowboxer. "There is more to life than increasing its speed" (Mahatma Gandhi). I had forgotten an extra motivation for haste: dogs. There never seems to be a motor vehicle on the road when i need one--when a dog is chasing me. God protect me from glass and nails and puppy dog tails. (1998-03-24, from Monte Sano trip) There are faster and more comfortable ways to get to Nashville-- "a world full of people, only some want to fly. Is that not crazy?" -Seal --but few that give you as much exercise or scenery as bicycling. "I wish Dallas was in Tennessee." -sung by Alan Jackson ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I came into downtown Dallas on Pacific Avenue. I wanted to see Dallas from above, so i went into one of the taller buildings (1700 Pacific, i think), and rode the elevator as high as it would permit me, floor 44 or so. There was a secretary near the elevator. I asked if i might look out the window behind her; she said it was okay. The view was north-west, i think, which was as much as i could recognize before i was accosted by a security officer. Maybe he saw me get on the elevator. But with my shorts, tie-dyed shirt, and backpack, how did he know i wasn't a paying customer? :} I conceded to leave immediately. I got on the elevator, and as the doors closed, i told him, "Beware the Ides of March." (I wish i were always so keen.) After the quick overview, i rolled into West End. I heard the last riffs of "Jack and Diane" by John Mellencamp, i smelled food from the cafes, i saw a balloon-zoologist clown. "Say goodbye to Hollywood..." -Billy Joel ----------------------------------------- A Planet Hollywood had recently opened. I hate shopping malls, and Planets Hollywood, but i occasionally like a store that happens to be in a mall, like the hologram shop at West End (which has since closed, i think). Next i went to the 6th Floor Museum at Dealey Plaza (formerly the Texas School Book Depository). I had to put my backpack through the X-ray machine. I was stopped by the security officers. They showed me the video screen, but i didn't know what had caught their attention. After a few wasted minutes of unpacking, i found my pliers and other bicycle tools. I told one of the sentries, "If you had been here 30 years ago [sic], there wouldn't be a museum here." I'm not a conspiracy theorist, except for the Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory, which says, "There is no substance to any of the little conspiracy theories. Those things are just what They want you to believe." (from 1996-07-13, at the Dietzes') I biked to the JFK Memorial, a few streets south of the 6th Floor Museum. The monument is several large, disconnected walls. If i recall correctly, it looks like a large cubicle. The monument doesn't say much to me. It makes even fewer statements than the White House, when Calvin Coolidge dined alone. "I've never been there, but the brochure looks nice..." -Sheryl Crow (if it wins a Grammy, it can't be that bad) Dallas is a nice international city, but they say that "Fort Worth is where the West begins." I regret that i didn't go to Fort Worth. "I used to watch 'Highway Patrol', whittlin' with my knife..." -Neil Young ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I try to avoid the highway patrol. On my return trip from Dallas, i was accosted by a clueless police officer in Edgewood, TX, who tried to convince me that Highway 80 was a U.S. Interstate. (Bicycles and most other non- polluting vehicles are forbidden on interstates.) He took my driver's license; he and i waited in the sun while someone at the local police station looked up my records. "Pore over everything in my C.V. [curriculum vitae], but you'll still know nothing about me" (Sting). The Edgewood policeman got out of his car; i don't know why. He could have called me up to his window for drive-through law-enforcement. He complained about having to stand outside in the heat. I don't remember exactly what i said; i think i said that it wasn't my fault he didn't like his job. My words almost got me taken to the station. When he finally let me go, he told me that i couldn't ride on the road, so i rode on the bumpy shoulder for about 5 miles. "Where is the highway tonight?" -Neil Young ----------Nashville------------------------- "Rough pavement is a chafing of the dainties." -the Phantom Cyclist (In my experience, Tennessee has better roads than Alabama or Texas.) "There's two lanes running down this road / And whichever side you're on Accounts for where you want to go / Or what you're running from..." -Mary Chapin Carpenter, "The Moon And St. Christopher" I don't like riding on two-lane blacktop, especially where there is a rough shoulder. So for the last thirty of forty miles to Nashville, i thought i would ride--illegally--in the smooth, wide shoulder (i.e., emergency lane) of I-65. To me, the emergency lane of Interstate 65 seemed much safer than the lanes of US Highway 31. It was better lit, and i was farther from the cars. On two-lane roads, i frequently get yelled at by idiots. (But i never under- stand what they're saying. Probably, "Hey, idiot, get off the road." Which is what i often do when cars pass.) I was stopped by a Tennessee state trooper about 8 miles south of Franklin --by my guess, about 25 miles south of Nashville. He told me he couldn't let me continue on the Interstate. I removed the bike's front tire; he let me put the bike and my gear in the back seat of his cruiser. He waived the US$ 128 fine, but told me stories of passenger-vehicles and truckers hitting cars parked in the emergency lane. He brought me to the Comfort Inn in Franklin, and told me how to get to Nashville while avoiding I-65. Nashville cyclops ----------------- Before leaving Nashville, i went to Riverfront Park, and to the nearby streets of restaurants and stores. I found that i wasn't the only one on two wheels. Nashville has cycling cops ("cyclops"), whose job appeared to be a party, with occasional breaks for exercise. baubles ------- I didn't get any Hard Rock Cafe merchandise. I am incorrigibly cheap, and i buy cheap, irrelevant souvenirs. I bought floppy disc labels on a class trip to Williamsburg, VA. I got postcards at the Sixth Floor Museum in Dallas. But my favorite is the Discovery Channel cap i found on the road in Brentwood, TN. ("Je me souviens." -Québec) hiding in public ---------------- "Why is an orange? A bicycle, because a vest has no sleeves." -Jeremiah Feenstra On my return trip, i stopped at Wal-Mart in Franklin to buy a fluorescent, "please don't hit me" orange vest. I couldn't find a runner's vest, so instead i got a hunter's vest and some safety pins. An orange bicycling vest has no sleeves, especially when worn by your backpack. Jeremiah Feenstra has participated in a 100-mile bike ride from Houston to somewhere, TX--several times, i think. (What's the frequency, Jeremiah? You probably have several more centuries of cycling experience than me. :) a heart to hear --------------- Prompted by a song, i also visited Elliston Place in Nashville. "When I first moved to Nashville, I looked at an apartment on Elliston Street, or as the locals call it, 'The Rock Block.' From the moment I stepped foot on the sidewalk, I was mesmerized by its creative energy. The freedom and simplicity I saw there inspired me to become more honest with myself, no matter how painful the emotion." -Margaret Becker, from album liner notes for "Find Me" on Steps of Faith 1987-1991 "Find Me", by Margaret Becker (c)1988 His Eye Music (SESAC) I'm gonna move on down to Elliston Let my hair grow wild and free Rent a second story studio Find the other side of me I'm gonna sit out on the edge of the fire escape Feel a little destitute Search for feelings that will help me remember The love that I had for You CHORUS: Find me, find me / I'll wait for You Find me, find me / I'll wait for You I'm gonna give away my stereo / Give away my T.V. I'm going back to essentials, a chair and a lamp And the Book that You wrote to me You see, I'm looking for the You that used to speak so clear I'm looking for the me that had a heart to hear And I'm looking for the passion that kept me here / On the edge CHORUS You see, I'm looking for the me that I used to know I'm looking for the love that was out of control 'Cause I feel a little cold here in the afterglow CHORUS Find me, find me I'll, I'll wait for You Occasionally -Kinnith, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus Christ Footnotes: [1] "Chile" in "Highway Chile" should be pronounced to rhyme with "mile." [2] Of my friends, Bryan Hurst has most influenced the music i listen to. At LeTourneau, he loaned me albums by James Taylor and many other artists. I think my interest in Hendrix is Luis Cruz's fault. Masthead: This is the second Mediocre Note. The Mediocre Notes are online. Colophon: I use text-based email software, so these notes will read best in a fixed-pitch font. If you're using Juno, that means, "Change the message font to Courier or Courier New."Subject: parodies
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 21:57:44 -0500 (CDT) > Who are you, and what are you up to? Kinnith Wallace. A few friends, for whom i'm thankful, still remember me. Currently i work in Wide Area Network Engineering at NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center (MSFC). MSFC is located on a small part of the U.S. Army Redstone Arsenhole in Huntsville, AL. > What is this, spam? This is Mediocre Note 3. My e-mail notes are infrequent. I'd compare myself to "Michigan J. Frog," the Warner Bros. cartoon character who sporadically sings and dances, but never when you want him to. My messages receive varying responses: 1> Quoting, for you, is normal, and I do not wish to ask you to stop. But 1> trying to convince my wife [that] you're normal "is like trying to get 1> oil from a water spout" (John Michael Montgomery - Life's A Dance). 2> I like the style in which you write. Seems you are just typing what is 2> within your head without any editing of the original. Not so. I edit intensely. I usually send a message when i'm sick of revising. If i can't say something clearly, then But that's no guarantee. 3> why did you wait three months before sharing with the list your bicycle 3> trip to Nashville? Aside: Why do most of us feel guilty for our erratic correspondence? We are finite and have plenty of other things to do. For example (others' experience), have a baby and then see if you have any free time. I don't have a computer at home; i don't want one. Even if i had a home computer, i would still spend most of my time at work, buying groceries, or eating and sleeping. I manage to cover my bills; i am about half-way in repaying my student loans from my undergraduate days at LeTourneau. These are bleak days, but there were a few pleasant inflections this summer. In May through August, i attended five weddings; four were out of town. Now i'm back to "spring cleaning", as i call it, giving away and discarding possessions. I am preparing to leave L.E.U.A (the United States). I'm not sure when i'm going; early 1999 is most likely. I don't think i will return, but i don't want to forswear that. The Summing Up -Stanley Kunitz When young I scribbled, boasting, on my wall, No Love, No Property, No Wages. In youth's good time I somehow bought them all, And cheap, you'd think, for maybe a hundred pages. Now in my prime, disburdened of my gear, My trophies ransomed, broken, lost, I carve again on the lintel of the year My sign: Mobility--and damn the cost! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- In some ways, the fewer baubles you have, the harder it is to let go--if they are books. Does anybody want a book of parodies? The attributed parodies below are from the book _Unauthorized Versions: Poems and their Parodies_, by Kenneth Baker (Faber and Faber; London, 1990). The unattributed parodies are by me. Pardon the redundant cynicism, and my gaudy style. The rest of this message might read better on the Web, or in a fixed-pitch font, such as Courier New (or try Wingdings, if you don't like parodies). I have no concept of time I have no concept of laundry Other than it is flying. Other than it is drying. If only i could kill the killer... If only i could wash the washer... -Alanis Morissette "Comin' Thro' The Rye" "Rigid Body Sings" -Robert Burns -James Clerk Maxwell Gin a body meet a body, Gin a body meet a body Comin' thro' the rye, Flyin' through the air, Gin a body greet a body Gin a body hit a body, Need a body cry? Will it fly? and where? Ilka lassie has her laddie Ilka impact has its measure, Ne'er a ane hae I; Ne'er a' ane hae I, But a' the lads they smile on me Yet a' the lads they measure me, When comin' thro' the rye. Or, at least, they try. Gin a body meet a body, Gin a body meet a body Comin' frae the well, Altogether free, Gin a body kiss a body How they travel afterwards Need a body tell? We do not always see. Ilka lassie has her laddie Ilka problem has its method Ne'er a ane hae I; By analytics high; But a' the lads they smile on me For me, I ken na ane o' them, When comin' thro' the rye. But what the waur am I? Gin a body meet a body, ^ "The author of this piece of Comin' frae the toun, whimsically versified scientific Gin a body kiss a body speculation was himself an eminent Need a body gloom? nineteenth-century physicist." Ilka lassie has her laddie -Kenneth Baker Ne'er a ane hae I; But a' the lads they smile on me When comin' thro' the rye. heaven earth (perhaps now; but one day, just wait, "on earth as in heaven"..) A watched pot never boils. A watched mailbox never delivers. -anonymous -Clyde Nevins I never saw a moor; I never saw tornadoes, I never saw the sea. Nor watched the flight of trees, Yet know I how the heather looks, Yet know i how that weather looks, And what a billow be. And what cumulonimbi are... I never spoke with God, Nor visited in heaven, [unfinished. Note that there are Yet certain am I of the spot, multiple versions of many of Emily's As if the checks were given. poems (due to editors?); i am spoiled -Emily Dickinson by the one i read first.] Today we have naming of parts. Yesterday, We had daily cleaning. And to-morrow morning, We shall have what to do after firing. But to-day, To-day we have naming of parts... -Henry Reed, from "Naming of Parts" Today we have breaking of hearts. Tomorrow We shall consider what to do after polite rejection. But today we have breaking of hearts... (1997-12-11) I strove with none; for none were worth my strife; Nature I loved, and, next to nature, Art; I warmed both hands before the fire of life; It sinks, and I am ready to depart. -Walter Savage Landor I strove with none; for none was worth my strife; Reason I loved, and next to reason, doubt; I warmed both hands before the fire of life And put it out. -E. M. Forster ...Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn, Grew lean while he assailed the seasons. (1997-02-18) He wept that he was ever born, He wept that he was ever born, And he had reasons. And he had pictures to prove it. -Edwin Arlington Robinson (Not the birth, the weeping.) In The Middle In The Muddle (1997-02-09) When i remember bygone days, When i remember bygone days, I think how evening follows morn; I think of rising _after_ the sun. So many i love were not yet dead, So many worries not yet thought of; So many i love were not yet born. Uncountable things were left undone. -Ogden Nash life my life There is no limit to what can be There is no limit to how much accomplished if it doesn't matter havoc will occur if no one can who gets the credit. be blamed for it. -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1998-09-03) -Kinnith, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus ChristSubject: writing (1)
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 22:52:51 -0500 (CDT) "The greatest gains and values are the farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality... The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched." -Henry David Thoreau, from Walden, as quoted in Into The Wild There is a very low yield on the harvest from my daily life this year, due to an apparent drought. So i will have to pretend, and recite things i wrote before. This is the fourth Mediocre Note. This message is about writing (and reading); there will be others on this theme, if ever i have time. "You know you work in the nineties...if you like Saturday because you get to wear casual clothes to work." -anonymous, seen on the Web Things are hectic here at NASA-MSFC right now. I have been working weekends to support "network activities" that cannot be scheduled during normal business hours. "..the wheel's still in spin, and there's no telling who it is naming..." -Bob Dylan, "The Times They Are A-Changing" Also, we (on this group of contracts) are in the midst of a coup d'état. Heads are still rolling. Be careful where you step; that might be someone you know. Soon i may have a lot more free time--and get some mileage from my résumé. Until then... WRITING ------- "Weak Brain, Narrow Mind" (title of a song by Willie Dixon) Anybody can appear to be a genius in writing. Anyone who can read can use a dictionary and a thesaurus. A person who can follow an index can quote great authors and speakers. Even someone with a weak brain can string together on paper several little arguments which will not fit side by side in a narrow mind. (1997-02-15) "I'll sit down to write sometimes, and nothing will come. I'll look at it and say, Eyyyhhh, who do I think I am? But then some days I'll think, 'That's not too bad, and I'll say to myself--still in a whisper--'Maybe you are a songwriter.'" -Mary Chapin Carpenter, in interview with David Hinckley for the New York Daily News, 1992 Nov 16 The language of the anima has a more expressive vocabulary than transpiration of words through mouth or hand. No matter the intent of the communicator, sometimes the soul releases only its dilutants, and becomes its own ferment. (My soul is often its own intoxicant.) (1997-05-01, 21:50) "If you jot down every silly thought that pops into your mind, you will soon find out everything you most seriously believe." -Mignon McLaughlin "Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable." -Francis Bacon "Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one has not time to write down." -Hector Berlioz, composer of the Symphonie Fantastique If you write down every trivial thought that pops into your head, you will soon run out of pens--or out of thoughts. Which, do you find, happens first? Which is worse? (1997-05-16, 19:46) How long can i carry a thought in my head without dropping it? (1998-02-01) Take my food. Take my clothes. Take my driver's license, my bicycle, my CD player, my CD's. But leave my pen and my journal. (1997-04-22) The true use of [words] is not so much to express our wants as to conceal them. -O. Goldsmith Writers denounce. Writers praise. Nonwriters also have the tendencies to jeer and to cheer, as well as all the myriad desires that mind and flesh are heir to. But since nonwriters lack one inclination--the scribal impulse-- we will never know of their other motivations. (1997-05-02, 00:50) creativity, lack thereof: (1997-01-02) * why do i write so little? * why are parodies the only "original" things i think of? * do i really think in quote-sized chunks? * why do i fear repeating others? why do i fear repeating myself? "Nearly all clever people are fearfully afraid of being ridiculous, and that makes them unhappy." -Fyodor Dostoevsky, from The Brothers Karamazov (quoted by Clyde Nevins) * do i have good ideas that i don't recognize (discarded)? * do i have good ideas? * why am i uncomfortable wearing used thoughts? "Everything is copy." -Nora Ephron's mother (from TV, 1997-04-16) "I was conscious that I was going through an experience that writers write about...and I hated that consciousness." -Nora Ephron, on her mother's death "As soon as your mind knows that it's on and it's supposed to produce some lines, either it doesn't or it produces things that are very predictable. And that's why I say I'm not interested in writing something that I thought about. I'm interested in discovering where my mind wants to go, or what object it wants to pick up. It always picks up on something true. You'll find out much more about what you're thinking that way than you will if you're determined to say something. What you're deteremined to say is filled with all your rationalizations and defenses and all of that. [It's] What you want to say to the world as opposed to what you're thinking. And as a lyricist, my job is to find out what it is that I'm thinking. Even if it's something that I don't want to be thinking. I think when I get blocked, when I have writer's block (though I never think of it as writer's block anymore), what it is is that you have something to say but you don't want to say it. So your mind says, 'I have nothing to say. I've just nothing more to say. I can't write anything. I have no thoughts.' Closer to the truth is that you have a thought that you really would prefer not to have. And you're not going to say that thought. Your mind is protected. Once you discover what that thought is, if you can find anothr way of approaching it that isn't negative to you, then you can deal with that subject matter." -Paul Simon, interviewed by Paul Zollo, quoted in Songwriters On Song Writing "Let those who may complain that it was all on paper, remember that only on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth, knowledge, virtue, and abiding love." -George Bernard Shaw READING ------- A typical public library contains books for a variety of people. Any one person will use only a few books from even fewer categories. But another patron will use a different few books. So, to get broader use of your local library, be someone else every once in a while. (1997-05-05, 01:46) "If I read a book that impresses me, I have to take myself firmly in hand before I mix with other people; otherwise, they would think my mind rather queer." -Anne Frank I communicate so poorly with friends that i don't get my recommended daily allowance of ideas unless i think of new ones myself, or read. I'm not original (no new ideas); this explains why i have to read. (1998-02-02) "Sick days are good reading days." -Will Strauss Why is it only when we are sick or unemployed that we take time for activities, like contemplation, planning, and reading, that may have long-term benefits? This is not true of everyone--there are a few wise souls--but it describes me, and maybe many of you too. Redacted, -Kinnith, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus ChristSubject: Rilke, Roethke, Donne & Bradstreet
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 22:16:17 -0500 (CDT) "...I'd rather hear myself talk than hear myself think..." -Leo Kottke, at Huntsville's Big Spring Jam VI, 1998-09-25 I agree. However, i'd often rather hear other people think out loud. In the moment, i'm in a good mood, and could write some breezy text if i wanted. Fortunately, i am restricted by the inexorable slowness of telnet. Philosophers are people who like to hear themselves think. (1998-07-28) Below are thoughts and emotions by some poets i like. I don't read German, but for those of you who do, the original text of the two poems by Roethke ist also inklüdet. The English translations are by Robert Bly. Rainer Maria Rilke ------------------ My life is not this steeply sloping hour, in which you see me hurrying. Much stands behind me; I stand before it like a tree; I am only one of my many mouths, and at that, the one that will be still the soonest. I am the rest between two notes, which are somehow always in discord because Death's note wants to climb over-- but in the dark interval, reconciled, they stay there trembling. And the song goes on, beautiful. Mein Leben ist nicht diese steile Stunde, darin du mich so eilen siehst. Ich bin ein Baum vor meinem Hintergrunde, ich bin nur einer meiner vielen Munde und jener, welcher sich am frühsten schliesst. Ich bin die Ruhe zwischen zweien Tönen, die sich nur schlecht aneinander gewöhnen: denn der Ton Tod will sich erhöhn-- Aber im dunklen Intervall versöhnen sich beide zitternd. Und das Lied bleibt schön. "In 1905 Rilke moved to Meudon, France, to take a job as the secretary of Rodin. When Rilke told Rodin that he had not been writing lately, Rodin's advice was to go to the zoo (the Jardin des Plantes) and look at an animal until you see it. Here is the result," [1] the most famous of Roethke's poems: The Panther In the Jardin des Plantes, Paris From seeing the bars, his seeing is so exhausted that it no longer holds anything anymore. To him the world is bars, a hundred thousand bars, and behind the bars, nothing. The lithe swinging of that rhythmical easy stride which circles down to the tiniest hub is like a dance of energy around a point in which a great will stands stunned and numb. Only at times the curtains of the pupil rise without a sound . . . then a shape enters, slips though the tightened silence of the shoulders, reaches the heart, and dies. Der Panther Im Jardin des Plantes, Paris Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe so müde geworden, dass er nichts mehr hält. Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt. Der weiche Gang geschmeidig starker Schritte, der sich im allerkleinsten Kreise dreht, ist wie ein Tanz von Kraft um eine Mitte, in der betäubt ein grosser Wille steht. Nur manchmal schiebt der Vorhang der Pupille sich lautlos auf--. Dann geht ein Bild hinein, geht durch der Glieder angespannte Stille-- und hört im Herzen auf zu sein. From Neue Gedichte (1907) Theodore Roethke ---------------- Open House My secrets cry aloud. I have no need for tongue; My heart keeps open house My doors are widely swung. An epic of the eyes My love, with no disguise. My truths are all foreknown, This anguish self-revealed. I'm naked to the bone, With nakedness my shield. "I'm not a man of too many faces; Myself is what I wear; the mask i wear is one." -Sting I keep the spirit spare. This anger will endure, The deed will speak the truth In language strict and pure. I stop the lying mouth: Rage warps my clearest cry To witless agony. (1941) The Mistake He left his pants upon a chair; She was a widow, so she said: But he was apprehended, bare, By one who rose up from the dead. Dolor I have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Neat in their boxes, dolor of pad and paper-weight, All the misery of manilla folders and mucilage, Desolation in immaculate public places, Lonely reception room, lavatory, switchboard, The unalterable pathos of basin and pitcher, Ritual of multigraph, paper-clip, comma, Endless duplication of lives and objects. And I have seen dust from the walls of institutions, Finer than flour, alive, more dangerous than silica, Sift, almost invisible, through long afternoons of tedium, Dropping a fine film on nails and delicate eyebrows, Grazing the pale hair, the duplicate grey standard faces. (1948) This is probably Roethke's most famous brainchild: My Papa's Waltz The whiskey on your breath Could make a small boy dizzy; But I hung on like death: Such waltzing was not easy. We romped until the pans Slid from the kitchen shelf; My mother's countenance Could not unfrown itself. The hand that held my wrist Was battered on one knuckle; At every step you missed My right ear scraped a buckle. You beat time on my head With a palm caked hard by dirt, Then waltzed me off to bed Still clinging to your shirt. John Donne ---------- A Hymn To God The Father Wilt Thou forgive that sin where I begun, Which was my sin, thought it were done before? Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run, And do run still, though still I do deplore? When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done; For I have more. Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won Others to sin, and made my sins their door? Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun A year or two, but wallowed in a score? When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done; For I have more. I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun My last thread, I shall perish on the shore; But swear by Thyself that at my death thy Son Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore; And having done that, Thou hast done; I fear no more. (1633) Anne Bradstreet --------------- The first book of Bradstreet's poems was published by her brother-in-law without her consent: The Author to Her Book Thou ill-formed offspring of my feeble brain, Who after birth didst by my side remain, Till snatched from thence by friends, less wise than true, Who thee abroad, exposed to public view, Made thee in rags, halting to th' press to trudge, Where errors were not lessened (all may judge). At thy return my blushing was not small, My rambling brat (in print) should mother call, I cast thee by as one unfit for light, Thy visage was so irksome in my sight; Yet being mine own, at length affection would Thy blemishes amend, if so I could: I washed thy face, but more defects I saw, And rubbing off a spot still made a flaw. I stretched thy joints to make thee even feet, Yet still though run'st more hobbling than is meet; In better dress to trim thee was my mind, But nought save homespun cloth i' th'house I find. In this array 'mongst vulgars may'st thou dost no come, And take thy way where yet thou art not known; If for thy father asked, say thou hadst none; And for thy mother, she alas is poor, Which caused her thus to send thee out of door. Just wondering -Kinnith, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus Christ Footnotes: [1] the Beckoning, http://www.gci-net.com/~users/w/wolfsoul/Subject: inventory
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 23:23:38 -0500 (CDT) This is the sixth Mediocre Note. Like me, this message is both melancholy and introverted. I am rarely online; the Mediocre Notes, however, are on the Web (under "Philosophy, antiphilosophy, and culture" from my home page). "One of these days I might be in your town" Searching for jobs (and changing names), And i guess i owe it all to _____ _____ (and _____ _____). Below are some of my have's and have-not's, a superficial inventory prompted by a recent rejected romance. It was a conflict of interests: I was interested in her; she wasn't interested in me. ;} I didn't really lose love, i lost a chance at love. But i guess it feels the same. "...losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart; everybody gets to feel the wind blow..." -Paul Simon, "Graceland" Ironically, she admires my self-awareness. I think that self-awareness, like sexual desire, is a curse, an obstruction to more important things. "My life is _____d up enough already, without the added complication of sex." (1997-09-23) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have had an easy life. Being born was the best and worst thing to happen to me. It has been anticlimactic since then. (1997-04-21) I have been given a stereo by my best friend. I have had my stereo and all my CD's stolen. I identified the stereo in the recovered-property room at the police station, and found most of the CD's at a pawn shop. (Back then i had around sixty CD's. Now i have about four times that many, partly due to frequenting pawn shops. :) I have given away scores of CD's. I have the soundtrack for Schindler's List, and have seen the movie. I have never read Isaac Asimov, never watched "Ally McBeal," and never seen Titanic. love and war ------------ I have never loved any woman who returned the endearment. "Love and hand grenades." (closing of a message by Will Mullin) They're a lot alike for me; i don't know much about either. "Love is just a word I've heard when things are being said..." (James Taylor) I think i like hand grenades better. I haven't had any bad experiences with hand grenades. (1997-10-09) How many hand grenades does it take to screw up a lighthouse? (1997-08-13) I have owned a gun that i never used. (It was stolen.) I have attended a wedding reception where the D.J. played "Return Of The Mack (You Lied To Me)" by Mark Morrison. I have been a groomsman, but not a best man in a wedding. I have worked full-time for less than minimum wage. I have given away hundreds of dollars, at a time when i was bringing home US$600/month. I have slept on the ground and in cars. I have never slept "on the street." I have eaten many meals that came from dumpsters. I have never had food poisoning. I have wasted almost two minutes of your time so far, if you read as slowly as i do. "You have no scars on your face, and you cannot handle pressure." -Billy Joel I cannot handle pressure. But i do have scars on my face: one beneath my left eye, from jumping into a diving board, and two or three small ones on my chin and near my eyebrow, due to flying glass from a car accident. I have caused four car accidents, and have been a passenger in two others. In three of the four that i caused, i was traveling less than 15 mph. I have never owned a car. At LeTourneau, i destroyed my dad's 1973 Dodge Dart when i turned left in front of a speeding Nissan 240SX. Since i came to UAH, i have driven two vehicles that belong to my parents. I have been injured in a single-vehicle bicycle accident, less than a mile from my dorm room. I hit a horizontal rail (parking-lot divider) and cracked a bone in my finger. I have biked round-trip between Longview, TX, and Dallas, TX, and between Huntsville, AL, and Nashville, TN, with no apparent injury. I have cursed at dogs. I have had a year (1994-95) when i knew 600 names and faces, and felt like i had hundreds of friends. I have never "seen lonely times when I could not find a friend" (James Taylor). I have seen plenty of times when i would rather be alone. I have been depressed for months at a time. "I spend about 10 to 15 percent of my time 'happy,' the rest of the time inventing new forms of depression." (1997-02-06) I have had a close friend, whom i ate lunch with every day, commit suicide. I have attempted suicide. I have played chicken with trains. Standing on the tracks, wondering which will flash first--my camera, or the light as it leaves my eyes. A morbid sensibility. (1997-3-8) I'm not nearly as depressed as [that] reads, but i like the sound of it; and, although it's passé and cliché, i didn't want to lose it. (1997-3-10) I have never been in counseling or taken antidepressants. In 1994, i stopped drinking carbonated and caffeinated beverages. I have drunk a few ounces of champagne, one or two glasses of caffeinated tea, and one soft drink (an IBC root beer) in the past year. I have used very few analgesics (pain-relieving medications). It has been at least ten years since i took an aspirin. I have taken one Tylenol in the past couple of years, and i have had one ibuprofen tablet in my life. I have never abused drugs. I have sniffed perfume samples, not glue, and it made me cry, not high. During the past year, i have been very tempted to take drugs. Thankfully, i haven't been offered any. "...if i could get some good drugs. Not amphetamines; i'm too effective an ass already. Give me hallucinogens, something for transcendence. Wait. Narcotics instead. Let me forget. Let me forget. 'But Kinnith, don't you think--your fine mind?!?' D--n my fine mind!" (1997-09-04) I have chewed tobacco a few times and gotten very sick at my stomach. I have used Skoal packets three or four times. I have never smoked. "There are so many things about life that i don't know, like how many cigarettes are in a pack and how many packs in a carton." (1997-10-01) I have never been drunk, although i have felt drunk, in the same way that a glass of water feels drunk (as Douglas Adams would say). I have been in jail dozens of times. I have never been arrested. I have never worked at a fast-food restaurant. I have cleaned pots and pans for a French chef. I have tutored adults in reading, science, and mathematics. I have assembled and repaired computers. I have amended computer programs that convert trees into rubbish for Congress. I have accidentally caused routing loops in the Internet. I have a VISA check-card and a couple of long-distance calling cards. I have never had a credit card. I have a valid U.S. passport until 2007. I don't have a visa, because i don't know where i'm going or when. I have never traveled outside North America. I have received the diploma for my M.S. in computer science from UAH. I haven't felt this relieved since i heard of Mobutu's death. [1] Mr. Nice Guy's Melodrama (1997-03-17) I'm wealthy. Money falls through holes in my pockets. I can put pennies on the railroad tracks--currency to burn. (My newly minted Marks seldom see circulation. [2]) I can have personalized soap, if i change my surname to "Ivory." I'm handsome. When i walk by, crickets stop singing. Stores instinctively open their doors for me. Traffic lights change when i roll up to an intersection. I'm popular. Strangers call my toll-free number. I get fan mail from AT&T, BMG, and Columbia House. Drivers stir to get my parking space. But i'm not intelligent. I almost have a master's degree. "Almost" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades, and nuclearwar. And i'm too dull to play those games. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- So that this message won't be a complete waste, here's the résumé of one of my heroes, someone without pretense: "By blood and origin I am Albanian. My citizenship is Indian. I am a Catholic nun. As to my calling, I belong to the world. As to my heart, I belong entirely to the heart of Jesus." -Mother Teresa, quoted in 1997 Sep 15 Newsweek Footnotes: [1] Joseph-Desire Mobutu was the oppressive dictator of Zaire (the country now known as the Democratic Republic of Congo). His nom de guerre, "Mobutu Sese Seko," means something like, "The one who annihilates his enemies by fire." [2] "Mark" is my middle name. I don't know what it means. -Kinnith Mark Wallace, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus ChristSubject: just another day
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 15:08:01 -0600 (CST) Don't faint; yes, this is a message from Kinnith. I haven't written in ages. Even my journal knows it. But there was a sale on words in August. For the price of ink and time, i got seven pages of scribble, some of which are reassembled below. (I chopped it, but this message will require more than one packet, unless you're on FDDI.) This is Mediocre Note 7; notes 1-6 are online. And in case you were wondering: "My writing may seem like the thoughts of a lunatic. My friends are those who know this isn't due to plagiarism." (1999-08-14, 07:45) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday was Friday the 13th, and my birthday. It would be hard to describe how empty i feel, except to say that i haven't written in months, and i have to force these words together like shopping carts. "Yesterday it was my birthday; I hung one more year on the line. I should be depressed--my life's a mess--but i'm having a good time." -Paul Simon I'm in Wal-Mart ("Wally World"), it's 5:28 AM, and i've been awake since yesterday morning at 8-something. My mom called and woke me at 6:57 AM to wish me a happy birthday, then apologized and told me to go back to sleep. "Someone in room 502 started doing the things that we used to do..." -Marc Cohn, "Paper Walls" I feel abandoned. Michael and Alice Yielding moved to Kentucky yesterday. Michael was my roommate for 2 1/2 years. He invited me to move in with the guys at 4611 Governor's House Apt #502 in late December 1996. Michael is going from his engineering job at Sverdrup Technologies in Huntsville, to Southeastern Theological Seminary. Alice was just graduated from Athens State University, and hopes to find a job in chemistry in Louisville. "Say you'll write, and keep them on your mind. And say you'll see them whenever someone dies and says goodbye to Carolina." -Lyle Lovett I got to eat supper with Clyde on Thursday, but i hadn't seen him for three months before that, and i feel more lonely knowing it may be another drought before i see him again. (Not Clyde's fault--mine. ): Terry Lancaster is my one remaining friend at MSFC, and he just left for Russia for six weeks. I haven't talked with Shelli Langdale in about that long, i guess. Sunday is the Wallace family reunion, near Atlanta--a chance to see lots of people i don't remember and some i've never met. I feel indifferent, the shade just fell on my emotions, although outside this building the sun may be coming up. Impulse buying is not normal for me, but while ago i wanted to splurge. I almost bought chocolate (haven't eaten any significant portion of cocoa since spring 1995) and ice cream (no helado in my freezer since 1996 or 1997) and a bottle of tropical fruit champagne (i don't drink carbonated beverages) and a TV (haven't had a one-eyed monster in my apartment since i moved from Ashford Terrace #203 to #274 in April). [1999-11-21: At end of August, i bought a cheap TV+VCR at SAM's Club.] A zillion things that i don't do. I can't think of anything i do, except work on NASA's networks. All work and no play makes Kinnith self-pitying and melancholy. No, wait; i have always been that way, it just took me 26 years to recognize it. The pharmacist told me that drinking alcohol while i'm taking metronidazole wouldn't kill me, but "it will make you wish you were dead." On Wednesday, the nurse practitioner prescribed 18 pills/tablets/capsules a day, of four types, including bismuth subsalicylate (aka Pepto Bismol), omeprazole (aka Prilosec), and tetracycline (famous antibiotic; no, i don't have an STD). Yes, i do have helicobacter pylori and the beginning of a gastric ulcer. I didn't buy the chocolate or the champagne, and i was too lazy to find the wine. Also scared: My dad's father lived and died as a vagrant drunk. I've heard that choco-holics are more likely than average to become alcoholics. Now it's 6:10, and i've barely written any allusions, metaphors, and so few quotes. Amber Hobbs writes 3 pages a day! (Amber, what color paper in your journal? And what writing instrument? I have pen or pencil envy.) Good thing i put the milk back in the giant refrigerator before i came to sit here in the layaway department. An appropriate irony. I'm in layaway, who will redeem me? The allusion is intentional. I'm staring at a shopping cart piled with boxes labelled GRACO (stands for "God Rewards A Christian Organization", if i remember correctly). Baby swings. I suspect they're being recalled, but then i look at a note taped to the top box: "Customer wants 5 of these. Call Randal S." Poor guy. And i thought that i needed sleep. Behind the counter, there are "clearance" sale balloons, and that's how i feel now (next mood swing...): I would readily sell myself cheap. I want like chocolate liqueur to quit my uneasy job at NASA, and fly to Europe or South America until i die, preferably before i'm 30. (If i wait until 2000 Jan 1 to fly, i may be stuck in an airport until i'm 30. :) Speaking of the future: I don't invest my money; i give it away. I'm not a day trader (although i would gladly trade this day for _____) or even a year trader. Yesterday i closed my account with Member One Federal Credit Union of VA, which i had since 1991, the longest i've kept any business membership. If nothing else, i was tired of being reminded how much i needed a new car (house) and another loan (mortgage). At present, i want neither coche nor casa. "Give me a ticket for an aeroplane..." (the Boxtops ?) One small 5x5 rental unit for a North American, one extravagant treasure for a Haitian. Speaking of houses: My parents are moving back to Atlanta! (Maybe that was my birthday present.) I wouldn't believe it, but on Monday they rented a truck, and my brother and a few of his friends helped them stuff the truck with i-have-no-idea-how-anyone-could-keep-that-much stuff. They had to unpack and repack the truck, which perturbed Andrew, so i know it must be happening. Who would have predicted it? Small world: I can put all my possessions in one room, all my job experience on a 1-page resume. "I'm gonna shake the dust of this little town off my feet, and i'm gonna see the world." -George Bailey, in It's A Wonderful Life Maybe 1. i'll get a job with an international networking company, and 2. move to South America. Perhaps 3. i'll marry some Maria who schemes to become a U.S. citizen, and 4. we'll move back to the States, and be divorced, and perhaps 5. i'll find myself where i am now, five or ten years older, and still alone and dull. Or maybe 6. i'll travel the world to hear women say "Can't we be friends..." in dozens of languages. :} Sometimes i've believed as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast (Lewis Carroll). It's 6:53, and i've got to put something in my stomach. (1999-08-14) -Kinnith, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus ChristSubject: dear friends and gentle hearts
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 21:44:56 -0600 (CST) Tomorrow is my last day working on the NASA Integrated Services Network; i had been here for 20 months. And after 4 1/2 years, i'm leaving Huntsville. "There'll be a change in the weather and a change in the scene. I'll start wearing leather and change my routine..." -"There'll Be Some Changes Made", as sung by Chet Atkins & Mark Knopfler By the way, this is (was) Kinnith. "I am Kinnith the Foolish-Hearted." (1999-10-18 21:18) I'm going by my middle name, Mark, when i move to Atlanta. Here's my new address and phone, effective 1999 Dec 7: MARK WALLACE 1000 DULUTH HWY APT 1514 LAWRENCEVILLE GA 30043-8610 tel. 678 985 2172 I anticipate getting a cell phone and P.O. box. And maybe even a computer. Whoah--what have i been smoking? (Today i ate chocolate cake, thanks to Patsy and Clyde. :) Drug tests are multiple-choice. The answer is always "P". (1999-11-24 08:17) As far as i know, i passed my first drug test, so i will be employed as a senior network engineer for Scientific-Atlanta. And i will be working on and around my parents' old house. I need to replace two doors and three door jambs, and to buy and install a dishwasher. I need to cut down and pull up several trees. I probably need to rent a Bobcat to move brush and junk, just as a start. But mostly i need to be there. I hope to both cry and laugh a little more often, seeing my parents and brother, sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew, and grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles. Soon home for Christmas, -(Kinnith) Mark Wallace, natural.born.fool at mindless dot com ============================================================================= "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus Christ P.S. "Dear friends and gentle hearts" was the last lyric of Stephen Foster.Subject: Daniela
Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2001 21:43:24 -0500 (CDT) The last Mediocre Note was in December 1999, twenty months ago. I'm sorry to drop some of you into the Mediocre Notes mid-conversation, but they're nearly self-explanatory, so i'll give only a brief second intro. These are mainly my thoughts [1] recorded with electronic ink, then edited under a microscope for hours. Previous Mediocre Notes are online. I call them Mediocre Notes because when i started them (as a continuation of the Nowonder Notes), i felt mediocre; also because of my less-than- stellar writing. [2] An important point, especially for this message: The name does not mean that i consider the topics mediocre. This is Mediocre Note 9, about Daniela María Chiriboga. I've tried to be honest, but i won't claim that i'm objective. I hope that i err on the side of admiration. One caveat: For as long as i can remember, i've believed that women are generally smarter than men. Maybe this started when my mother taught me to read before i entered kindergarten; or in elementary school, where my teachers were all women; or maybe it grew in college, when i began to realize that women usually understand men, but men don't usually under- stand women. (I don't take this as an excuse. I want to be the brightest man i can be. But i don't think i'm smarter than intelligent women.) In any case, beware, this bias probably affects this message. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today, reading the following journal entry frightens me. I think this is as close as i'll ever be to "love at first sight": I love Daniela. I met her in Tampa on Aug 26 when i went to see I-li. I saw her again in Jacksonville earlier this month, when i took a pickup truck down to Good Shepherd Ministries. And i miss her. It seems like we've been friends a long time. We've spent many hours talking, realizing that we shared some of the same dreams for years before we met. I recognize that i'm infatuated, but also i'm choosing to love her. I want to comfort her; to encourage her; to support her emotionally, intellectually, financially. I share many of her dreams. I want to share life with her. But she also loves another man, and could almost have been engaged to him before she met me. He's 14 years old than her, which bothers her some; but his reluctance to marry bothers her more. He's not the first to hold her attention (she is ADD [has Attention- Deficit Disorder], but not ADD in love). There were others, lost loves. I know i'll never be the only man in her heart. She talks wistfully of two, and speaks fondly of the others, like brothers. "Now I can only dream / Of being all you need And I can only try / To be the reason why You think about today / And forget about the past It's too much too expect / But it's not too much to ask" -sung by Mary Chapin Carpenter & Joe Diffie She loves me. I pray that she will continue to choose to love me. (2000-10-23 10:00, waiting at doctor's office) María Alegría ------------- Her full name is Daniela María Chiriboga Salazar (Salazar is her maternal last name). She has several nicknames: Dani Daniela Mariachi - the spelling of her name, "Daniela María Chi..." María Alegría - because of her generally happy attitude Daniela CherryBoca - when she wears that lip gloss ;) Chullita Quiteña - she calls herself this. I've forgotten what chullita means. A Quiteña is a woman from Quito. Dulce Quiteña - sweet Quiteña Eskimo - she is almost always cold, especially her nose Hello, Nurse - "Nurse" is not one of her nicknames. Never say this unless you want to be slapped or blacklisted. I almost titled this note "My María", after the B.W. Stevenson song (remade to good effect by Brooks & Dunn). However, that would have been truly mediocre. The song is pretty good, but not spectacular. It haunts me in the same way that it can't forget advertising jingles. [3] But more than that, Daniela is not my María. I'll never own her. Sometimes i tell her that she has my heart in her pocket, or she reminds me that i have hers. But we are two independent adults, growing interdependent. [4] polyglot -------- I don't know which came first, Daniela's first steps or her first words-- probably, her first words. I'm sure she started doing both very early. Daniela is multilingual. She's fluent in Spanish and English; for her, both are native languages, although she thinks in Spanish more often. She can read Portuguese, Italian, and Latin, thanks to the Spanish. She knows some French (where did she learn that? i have no clue; it's another tongue of Latin origin). She studied German in high school, and had a Russian tutor in Quito. one-and-twenty [5] --------------------- Daniela is amazing. I'm of above-average intelligence. Daniela is off the scale, somewhere in genius territory. She left high school after tenth grade, at age sixteen, to enter university courses. (She participated in the graduation ceremony of a high school she had never attended.) She finished her MD this year at age 21. She is already halfway through a master's degree in public health, courses that she started during her last year of med school! Doctora ------- I was honored to be with Daniela when she signed the Hippocratic Oath after her graduation. I wrote similar things to Daniela and I-Li in their graduation cards: They will practice medicine with passion and compassion. They will be the kind of doctors you can recommend without misgiving, and willingly trust with your life or your loved ones. faith ----- "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers." -2 Cor 6:14 NKJV Daniela is a Catholic. In the Bible Belt (southern US), there is "a Baptist church on every corner". I was raised in independent Baptist churches near Atlanta, and some people in those churches taught that Catholics were a plague. Later i attended nondenominational Christian schools (including LeTourneau University, where i met many of you) where some of my classmates were Catholic. Most of my family, of those who worship God, are Baptist. One of my mom's aunts (Peggy Pope) was Catholic. "La belleza de la Cruz es la salvación." -sung by Crystal Lewis "The beauty of the Cross is the salvation." [6] To me, Christian means someone who trusts Christ for salvation. There are Catholics and Baptists who are not Christians. My mom's Aunt Peggy was a Christian. Daniela is a Christian. On my first two trips to Quito, i've attended mass with the Chiribogas. I understand enough Spanish to know that i agree with what was said. I'm not naive; i know that the Reformation was not an accident. But i don't yet know enough about modern Latin American Catholicism to critique it. I've learned that, like Baptists, Catholics vary by region and by congregation. I suppose Catholic Christians have the same struggle as other Christians: It's easier to say the right words than to live them. if all the world and love were young [7] ------------------------------------------- "I'm not the young kid i used to be, so i brush the hair back out of my face." -John Mellencamp I'm not the young kid who went away to college ten years ago. And i'm losing the hair that less frequently falls into my face. Daniela is 22; soon i will be 28. The difference in our ages doesn't bother me too much. But because women live longer than men, i've always thought that a man should marry an older woman, to even the lifespans somewhat. She will probably outlive me by ten years or more. keep your hands to yourself [8] ---------------------------------- "Two important points for avoiding premarital sex: 1. Never have sex on the first date. 2. Never date anyone twice." -anonymous, heard in Huntsville I like this humorous quote, but it really should be, "Never have sex on a date, unless it's a date with your spouse." And to avoid adultery, "Never date anyone else." Both Daniela and i want to wait until marriage for sex. For me, the temptation is less when we're in different parts of the world. :] how can we see that far? [9] ------------------------------- I have a mixed ancestry, some European, some American Cherokee. But when it comes to marriage, i'm skittish. I'm not a typical guy. (I'm weird, and i know it, but knowing doesn't help.) But like a typical single male, i have a fear of marriage. It appears overwhelming, like the Empire State Building with no elevator. Or nearly impossible, like love itself (in a time when many people don't believe love exists [10]). "If you can't mark the date on a calendar, you're not engaged." -Dr. Laura Schlessinger (quoted by Clyde) Daniela and i aren't engaged. I hope that one day we will be married, i think so--but i don't know, and i don't assume it. If in this message it seems that i do, remember that i remember it is tentative. development ----------- Daniela recommended the book The Bridge Across Forever to me. I haven't read it yet, but i recall from her comments that it describes three stages of love. I was going to borrow the book's terminology to describe the current state of our relationship. Unfortunately, i don't remember the stages, and only one of 86 book reviews on Amazon was of any help. [11] I don't know exactly where we are. Maybe i'm still infatuated. This is especially true in comparison with the married people i know, who've been together probably fifteen years on average (i don't know many newly-weds). I still identify much with what i thought and felt when we first began to talk [see journal entry above]. "The secret of love is in opening up your heart. It's okay to feel afraid, but don't let it stand in your way." -James Taylor One thing i got from the book reviews: A reminder that i'm both scared of never getting it (missing what's going on, and what could be the development of our relationship) and scared of being vulnerable (which allows love's development). that'll be the day [12] -------------------------- I've mentioned to my parents that i don't want to lose Daniela, but i will if i have to: if her parents disapprove of our marrying; if she decides that she no longer wants me; or any of countless other catastrophes. If i lose her, it will destroy me. favorite films -------------- Daniela's top ten films on 2000 Oct 28: Meet Joe Black City of Angels The Sound of Music Fiddler on the Roof Good Will Hunting While You Were Sleeping You've Got Mail Notting Hill Life Is Beautiful Forrest Gump She likes many films that have Tom Hanks or Meg Ryan. However, she's never seen Joe Versus the Volcano. (It's not such a great movie. But i like the luggage. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- As i edit this note, i'm in Moscow, Russia. [13] Daniela is with her family on vacation somewhere in the Mediterranean, soon to be in Europe. The distance is probably less than from Huntsville to Quito, but it doesn't feel closer. I might as well be on the moon. But i'll settle for Star City, my favorite NASA site in Russia. Star City is away from Moscow, about an hour out in the country. It's the location of the Gagarin Cosmonaut Training Center, including the Russian centrifuge and their equivalent of JSC's Neutral Buoyancy Facility with several million gallons of water. I've been working with Alexei Dyatlov in Cottage 3, one of the two-story houses used by NASA astronauts and trainers. The basements of cottages 3 and 4 are connected (same for 1-2 and 5-6), and are the only finished basements of the six cottages. Cottage 3 was the residence of William and Beth Shepherd in 1999-2000. (Bill Shepherd was the first commander of the International Space Station.) The cottage 4 basement is Beth's Gym. Most of the equipment here is standard, but a few pieces have been one-of-a-kind or two-of-a- kind (with the twin in Houston). I'm not a masochist, but i get distracted by the pull-your-arms-off torture device. It's probably just for lateral-stretch lifting, and might be standard equipment. The cottage 3 basement is Shep's Bar. The bar is decorated with lots of things (such as a Ronald Reagan mask, and a boar's head wearing a CNN hat), but especially with two reminders. One is Shep's motto, "The only easy day was yesterday!", painted or printed as a restaurant- style logo. The other reminder is US Navy posters; Shep was a Navy Seal (the bar logo has a smiling seal). [14] At the bottom of the stairs, on the joist barely above your head, there are two novelty license plates from fictional Greenbow, Alabama: One plate says "Run Forrest Run", the other says "Stop Forrest Stop". On the refrigerator, there are photos of Shep and Tom Hanks sitting on the bar, and some other photos of Tom Hanks, from Jan 1999. A printed email says that the Expedition One crew had just arrived here; Hanks was filming something in Moscow, and asked for a tour of Star City. Shep's Bar now has a pool table, installed this week. Fortunately for me, the slate is not in place. If it were, i might not get any work done. Star City is quiet. After a limited tour of the cosmonaut facilities, and an occasional party at Shep's Bar, there's not much to do. Most Americans go to Moscow for the weekend, or borrow one of the hundreds of books or movies from the NASA library. Probably all of Daniela's favorite movies are here. I wish Daniela were here. (2001-07-26) -Kinnith Marc / Slava (km/s) "Una persona feliz no es una persona en una determinada serie de circunstancias, sino con una determinada serie de actitudes". [15] -Daniela Chiriboga Footnotes [0] ------------- [0] Sorry for the inconvenience of footnotes. This Mediocre Note is easier to read on the Web. [1] The Mediocre Notes also include quotes, which play on a National Public Radio-like station in my head. [2] I'm a mediocre writer. My first drafts are horrible. They can't carry a tune. But i like my voice as a writer. (I don't like my nasal voice as a speaker. I hate to hear it recorded, or on a phone call with echo.) I would almost say i'm a good editor-- because i recognize my writer's voice and can make it sing--but i'm too slow, too perfectionistic. [3] One of many ad jingles that afflict my mind: "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I'd like buy the world a Coke..." [4] The terminology and progression of dependence, independence, and interdependendence are taken from a chapter in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. [5] "When I Was One-and-Twenty" is a poem by A. E. Housman about learning that giving your heart to someone for free can be very expensive. Another poet (who?) mocked Housman's sappy side with a poem titled, "What, Still Alive At Two-and-Twenty?" [6] Two of my favorite CDs are Beauty for Ashes and La Belleza de la Cruz by Crystal Lewis (thanks to David Fang for recommending her music). They are essentially the same album in English and in Spanish, with a few differences in phrasing. I don't know which was released first. I listened to La Belleza de la Cruz first, and i like it a little better. The title song was written by Brian Ray, Crystal's husband and producer. [7] "If all the world and love were young" is the first line of "The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd" by Sir Walter Raleigh, which he wrote as a realistic answer to Christopher Marlowe's incorrigibly romantic poem "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love". [8] "But each time we talk, I get the same old thing, Always, 'No huggy no kissy 'til I get a wedding ring.' 'My honey, my baby, don't put my love upon no shelf.' She said, 'Don't give me no lines--and keep your hands to yourself.'" -the Georgia Satellites, a #2 hit in 1986, their only Top 40 record [9] "We might die. We might live. We can hurt each other badly, do things so hard to forgive. And if time is not our friend, your mind might forget me before the end, and oh, i cannot look that far." -from the song "How Can We See That Far" by Amy Grant & Tom Hemby [10] A possibly sarcastic, contemporary example of the belief that love doesn't exist is the song "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang, with chorus, "You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel." As i learned from a classmate's show-and-tell in a music course at UAH, they have the equally discouraging song, "Lift your head up high, and blow your brains out." Most of their lyrics are obscene. [11] See Christa Selig's sharp review on Amazon.com of The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach. Most of the other reviews describe it as "a mystical masterpiece about finding your soulmate" or "tripe". [12] "That'll Be The Day" was a hit for Buddy Holly in 1950-something. It includes the lines, "You say you're gonna leave, you know it's a lie. Well, that'll be the day that I die." [13] On my last return from Quito, Northwest Airlines cancelled my flight from Memphis to Huntsville, so i rented a car. On the way home, i drove through Moscow, Tennessee. Then i got a speeding ticket in Corinth, Mississippi. ("The only thing that I did wrong, I stayed in Mississippi a day too long." -Bob Dylan) [14] A summary biography of Bill Shepherd is at http://www.jsc.nasa.gov/bios/htmlbios/shepherd.html [15] "A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but with a certain set of attitudes." (my translation)Subject: wonder freaks
Date: Thu, 17 Oct 2002 13:24:26 -0500 (CDT) This may be one of the shortest Mediocre Notes. I haven't written in so long, i think i have scribal atrophy. So i'm offering a left-over. The thoughts below were in deep freeze in my notebook, but i recently passed by their page enough that the words are beginning to thaw. With slight preparation, they're (as close as they may get to) ready to serve. Buen provecho! [1] (For folks in my long-term audience: These ruminations are similar to some in Nowonder Note 10, and especially resemble the much- better quote from Robert H. March in the first Mediocre Note.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If toddlers are little sponges, their everyday life is the big puddle they soak up." -from Parenting magazine, Special Issue 1999 Why are we excited about children's lives, but so indifferent to adults'? We want children to be aware of the colors and textures of the world; we try to give them safety to explore. Adults don't need our help or protection to investigate the world. They would think we're patronizing, attempting to run their lives. Or so we think, so we don't try. [2] Wonder. Much of it comes back to wonder. Children have a general sense of wonder. At least, we think they could be interested in anything, until we discover their tendencies or unless we try to direct their roles. Adult wonder is specialized and isolated. Modern educational systems reward the collection and transfer of distilled information. The rare teacher who promotes wonder--think Dead Poets Society, or better yet for those who know her from LeTourneau, Leta Fae Arnold--becomes a hero. [3] Knowledge is closed. [4] Selected adults are permitted to wonder: parents of young children, scientists & medical researchers, philosophers (how do they pay their bills?), artists. Otherwise, adults who wonder are lost, freaks. (1999-12-28 09:56, sitting in a doctor's office in Lawrenceville, GA) -Kinnith (Marc) Wallace Footnotes --------- [1] "Buen provecho" is a close Spanish match for French's "bon appétit", and is used to mean, "May the food you're eating benefit you" (as explained in Breaking Out of Beginner's Spanish by Joseph J. Keenan). [2] With help, even adults can experience the world in ways we might not otherwise try, such as climbing & belaying (David), hang gliding (Kinnith), low-gravity floating (Michael, Tracey), sailing (Daniela), or sky diving (Tracey). Then there are adventurers whose stubborn independence and deficient sense of danger lead them to rappel from bell towers (: Willy) and race motorcycles (Shelli :). [3] Teachers should encourage children to study in breadth and depth something the child finds interesting. This is one of many simple profundities in For The Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay, relating principles from the English educator Charlotte Mason. (Thanks to Terri Rains for giving my family this book in Quito.) [4] See the first two paragraphs of the section "Become Illiterate..." in chapter 1 of Philip and Alex's Guide to Web Publishing. Masthead: This is Mediocre Note 10. Distribution: If you received this note from me, then you're someone i consider a friend, lost-contact friend, or i wish you were my friend. I averaged one Mediocre Note per year in 1999-2001; i doubt i'll fill your inbox, even if i begin writing more. (Aha! Another wonder has joined my group of muses, a long-time acquaintance who's becoming a new friend. :) I promise to send you no spam, no forwarded messages. Colophon: I use plain-text email software. These notes will read best in a fixed-pitch font. If you use Juno or Outlook (Express), you could temporarily change the message font to Courier New or Courier, or view this message online along with previous Mediocre Notes.Subject: favorite words (the meaning of the ring)
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2003 14:44:03 -0500 (CDT) I had hoped to write more for today--not a retrospective, but random thoughts loosely threaded, similar to previous Notes; had collected a few seed ideas but haven't taken time to grow them. Anyway, this message is better undiluted. I usually prefer to ignore my birthday, but today i'll celebrate. I'm thirty years old. Three decades is terrifying, humbling, and exciting. I was born around 12:30 PM on Monday, August 13, 1973, more than two weeks overdue (always late!). My Mom was not doing well, and the doctor asked my Dad whether he should try to save me or my Mom. We both survived. So this is for Mama, whose birthday was ten days ago. I spent that day with her, Daddy, and Granny (her mom). Before Alzheimer's began to steal her speech, Granny would end calls by saying, "Remember, Jesus loves you, and I love you." Like Granny, Mama demonstrates Christ's compassion. She has shown more sacrificial love for me, and for everyone else she knows, than i may ever see from another human being. I wear a necklace of a Casio watch minus its band (which would make my wrist hurt when i type) and a ring (emerald in yellow gold) that Mama gave me in 1994, the summer that i turned 21. The ring reminds me that one time when i was depressed at LeTourneau, she wrote my favorite words that anyone has ever said to me: "I will love you forever. After that, you are on your own." -Kinnith