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Teenfactor #27

Subject: LNH: Teenfactor # 27: Action Legion-- Poland!
Date: 30 Jan 1998
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Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative

Teenfactor # 27

"Action Legion-- Poland!"

Previously: Teenfactor has arrived in Poland on a mission: to stop the
shipment from Lee's Supervillains, International to the perplexing Random
Battalion Of Poland. While being breifed on their mission, they were attacked
by Daresquirrel, one of the members of Action Legion Poland, a net.hero group
lead by the heroic Iron Canary.

Cover: Iron Canary stands, facing the reader, while fire dances around her.
Blurb reads: "The Secret Origin Of Iron Canary!"

Warning: This is not meant to affend the Polish. I'm 0.005 parts polish
myself. That one- half of a percent, to be exact.

Prelude: Sorry, fellas, no prelude this time.


I'm really sorry. Now, let's rejoin our heroes, by quoting from last issue...

"We are Action Legion Poland!" said the canary dramatically. "I am called Iron
Canary. I already know all of you..well, most of you anyway."

"You do?" asked Carolyn. "That's strange, cause I don't know you."

"Well you should, silly girl," said Iron Canary with a laugh as she removed
her helmet, revealing a familar face...

That face had high cheek bones, glassy blue eyes and a long braid of hair. Oh,
she had changed since last they had saw her. She wasn't nearly as ugly. But
the face was familar, just the same. "My name is Patricia Lynne Lions, though
you don't know me by that name. You know me better as..."

"Pig Latin Lass!" exclaimed Carolyn. "It's been so long."

"God, I know it has," admitted Patricia. "It's been what... 6 months? 7?
Things have changed so much since I left America. I've changed... and you've
changed... you've all changed." She pointed to Carolyn's extra weight. "You've
taken to eating more, eh, Carolyn?"

"She has too," said Roxanne. "She has tapeworm."

"I donot have tapeworm!" shouted Carolyn angerily as she menaced Vixen. "I'm
immortal! I cannot get tapeworm and I don't have it!"

"Denial," said Vixen slowly. "First sign."

"Not again," groaned Mable.

"This happen before?" asked Patricia, whom we'll call Pat for short.

"On the whole flight," said Mable. "The author thinks its a running gag."

" 'I am confused,' said Daresquirrel," said Daresquirrel flatly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Pat. "Action Legion Poland, meet Teenfactor."

Teenfactor introduced themselves, while Pat met the new members. "And, why
doesn't my team introduce themselves..?" she suggested.

" 'I am Daresquirrel,' said Daresquirrel heroicly," said Daresquirrel.

"Don't mind Elton," said Pat as she pulled on her Iron Canary costume, "he's
an aspiring writer and talks like that all the time."

" 'I have the ability to control and generate fruitcake,' announced
Daresquirrel cautiously," said Daresquirrel in his flat, emotionless voice.

"I am Omega Bat," announced the motorcycle riding bat. "I have inhuman weight
guessing accuracy."

A seven foot tall male, weilding an axe, with a wrinkly face announced that he
was, "Compubullet, master of the Sonic Battleaxe."

"I am Tuxedo Manga," said the small midget in the car (go dig up last issue
for their descriptions) "though my real name is Tuxedo Kamen."

"He thinks he's that guy from Sailor Moon," announced Pat. "Don't tell him he
isn't. He really does have those funny roses, though."

"Coo! Coo!" cooed the purple dragon  who was just hanging around.

"And that is the Lass Dragon," said Pat. "Now that we've been properly
introduced, do you mind telling us why you're here?"

"Well, miss Pat," said Tomo friendily, "we were sent by the LSA government to
stop the shipment of 19 new members of the perplexing Random Battalion of
Poland from Lee's Supervillains, International."

"19 new members?!" gasped the collected Action Legion Poland.

Yes, 19 new members.

"Well, tell me your plan..." said Iron Canary slowly.


"I'm cold," said the voice as its owner shivered in the frost bitten shack
which lay somewhere outside Warsaw. The shack itself was small with no
heaters, rust bitten boards and holes in the ceiling. If you could call that
thing a ceiling, that is. A stove lay, unowned and unremembered, sparkled with
dust. A water pot sat lazily on the stove, but still, it had that timely
quality of abandonment.  The whole place had that feeling, that hazy, scary
feeling of darkness that had somehow crept from the deepest, darkest parts of
the most twisted minds. And it was cold. God, it was cold, and the speaker
took every oppurtunity to remind his partner that it was. This had been the
five- hundred twenty- ninth time that this particular speaker had informed the
other one of his condition. And for the five- hundred twenty- ninth time, his
partner ignored him as he tried to get in good reception of a PRF ( Polish
Rasslin' Federation) match.

"Things will heat up pretty soon, Iggy," grunted the fat blimp as it sat in
the armchair. And, truth be told, he was a fat blimp. A pig blimp, to be
twenty times more percise. "Just as soon as my plan reaches fruitation, and
every female on Earth will belong to... Happy Pig Boy!"

"I've been mean--ean--achoo! I've been meaning to ask you about that," said
Iggy. "I'm as straight as the next two dimensional figure, but I feel kind of
wrong about subjecting every female on Earth to your perverted whims... oh,
our perverted whims. It still feels kind of wrong."

"Well, you just aren't thinking clearly, Iggy," grunted Happy Pig Boy. "You're
letting truth, justice and your consience get in the way of my vision. I'm
smarter than you. I allow myself to be run entirely by hormones. And you know
what? That's the way it should be. You just aren't thinking."

"I guess not," Iggy said meekly.

"Darn tootin' you guess not!" said Happy Pig Boy as he slapped the TV
furiously." That's why I'm Happy Pig Boy, archnemesis of Spite Grrrl, and
you're Ink Spot Iggy... common throw away  character."

Iggy grumbled a bit as he resided to shiver some more.


A knock came at the door of Dr. Leifield's secret evil labatory, also known to
fanboys everywhere as... Image!Leifeild grumbled a bit, but didn't answer the
door. He was hard at work at his latest genetic abomination and was not in the
mood to be disturbed. The knock arrived once more, this time more feriously.

Dr. Leifeild defied the knock and got back to work. The knock once again
arrived at the door. The good doctor grumbled some more, as he hid his secret
background destroying formula he had recently perfected. ( See Teenfactor #
22. ) Where he hid I'm not going to tell you since it's a key point in this
particular subplot. 

The Evil One went back to work over a non- descript table. Now, this table
must be important, ofcourse, since Leifeild would not draw it since it would
be a background! Duh! Now, back to our story, such as it is. The knock
returned. Leifeild waved his hand a bit, signaling for his mindless
abomination, the Vessel, and his mindlessly violent partner, Jenny McCleavage,
to answer the knock, which they did.

Vessel decided, instead of just *opening* a door, like a normal person, that
he could get two splash pages, one of him destroying the door, and one of the
knocker, out of destroying the door, which is one more than it would simply
opening it. And since this is Leifeild's scene, the Evil One's rules apply
which means, that, yes, the Vessel would rather destroy the door. 

Splash Page: The Vessel destroys the door.

Splash Page: On the other side, Jim Lee and Tod McFarlane are waiting.

Splash Page: The Vessel gasps in shock.

Splash Page: Close up of Jim Lee smiling evilly.

Splash Page: Close up of Tod McFarlane smiling not as evilly but evilly just
the same.

Splash Page: Jenny applies make up.

Splash Page: Leifeild turns his head to see what happened.

Splash Page: The author looks to the reader and says, "Let's stop all these
splash pages. We'll come back to this subplot..."

Splash Page: Containing nothing but a small balloon reading : "...later!"


" 'That's an interesting idea,' said Daresquirrel with what would pass for a
smile on the grim swashbuckler's usually grim contenaunce, 'but do you really
think that we can defeat the perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland before
they can sign for their new members?!' " said Daresquirrel in a calm voice.

"Ofcourse we can," said Carolyn, already in her Areo Lass costume. "There's
only six of them, and there are 13 of us. How hard can it be?"

Iron Canary muttered something under her breath. Omega Bat flapped over to
Daresquirrel. "She doesn't know, does she?"

" 'Probably not,' said Daresquirrel," said Daresquirrel.

"Know what?" said Carolyn curiously as she instinctivly pushed a stud on her
costume belt which activated a hidden taperecorder. This might be important
when she finally gets home and updates her SECRET FILES! ( I sense a one-
shot/ plot point in this one, folks!) The SECRET FILES!, which she has
secretly kept for a while defintly needed updating since she hadn't done that
since Morgan reccounted her first experience with Clairvoyance. (The Morgan Le
Fab Summer Fun Special)

"It all started a long time ago, before I even had came to America and first
discovered my net.ahuman abilities..."

Oh! Story time!

< I was born to a relativly rich family in Poland. Sure, dad blew it all
betting on the annual Lemming Races when Air Chowder ran into the ocean, but I
was born to a relativly rich family just the same. After that Lemming Race
incident, my older brother, Susan, tried to save the family from financial

* But Susan, you can't leave!* said Mom.

*I am sorry, mother,* Susan said as he pulled his hood over his head. *But
someone has to save this family from financial ruin and political mockery. It
looks like I have to... go to college!*

The entire Lions family gasped. * No, Susan!* said Patricia. * My dearest
brother, you cannot go to college. No one in our family has ever gone to

*That explains a few things,* mumbled Susan, but the family couldn't hear him.
*I must go to college, and become educated, the one thing that not one member
of our family has ever become!*

*But Susan!* said Dad. *It isn't that bad!*

*Dad, do you want me to go to college, or become just like uncle Eggberta?*
The entire family gasped. Unlike Susan, who was a male with a female name,
uncle Eggberta had actually changed from male with a female name to a female
with a female name. Ofcourse, that was just after he unleashed those suicidal
undead cucumbers who had chased Air Chowder into the ocean. The mere mention
of his name made the whole family tremble at the ruin he had caused.

* Alright,* said Mom, *you can go to college, Susan. But don't allow yourself
to be corrupted and transformed into the greatest and evillest villain that
Poland has ever seen, leader of a perplexing and random battallion!*

*Don't worry, Mom,* assured Susan, *I won't!*

Susan left, and the family brooded a bit before engaging in a rollicking game
of Kidnap The President, everyone's favorite board game. 

<Long after I had gone to bed, and, I didn't know it was happening, but at
that very moment the police officers of Warsaw entered the house. Like
American police officers, they spent their days doing nothing but eating

*Ma'am!* said an officer of the law as he grabbed Mom's arm. *Are you Miss Mom

*Yes,* said Mom. *And this is my husband, dad.*

*Do you have a son named Susan?*

*Yes,* recalled Mom fondly. *He's named after my father.*

*Well, it turns out that college was a bad infulence on him. I'm afraid I'll
have to arrest you!*

*I haven't broken any laws!* said Mom frantically. *And my son! What's
happened to Susan?*

*You haven't broken any laws but we have to further the plot somehow! It turns
out that... that...*

*What? What?!* asked Mom.

*Susan has been corrupted and transformed into the greatest and evillest
villain that Poland has ever seen, and that he has become the leader of a
perplexing and random battallion!*

*Nooooooooooooooooooooooo...gasp, sigh, here we go again....oooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!* said Mom.

<I didn't know this was happening. I was transported to America in my sleep,
my parents hoping that I wouldn't find out. I developed my netahuman power
some days later and joined Teenfactor. When it split, and reintergrated
itself, I returned to Poland with my catatonic beloved, Ernest Curry, the one
you know as Exponents Lad. I didn't cure him and was ready to go when Uncle
Eggberta died. I was willed his suit, and my parents finally confessed the


"What truth is that?" asked Carolyn as she placed her hand near the recording
mechanism, preparing to shut it off. Her curiosity had truely been pitiqued.

"That my brother, Susan Lions, is really Alpha Lord, the leader of the
perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland!" Everyone involved gasped at this
particular moment.


"Bwahahahahahahaha!" said Susan with an evil laugh. "I, Alpha Lord, shall soon
receive the shipment from my training facility, Lee's Supervillains,
International! And my puny sister, Patricia, has no way to stop me, for she
doesnot want to battle her brother!"

"How delightful," said another evil voice. "I, Crimson Apocalyspe, the
4,500,483 and 1/2 yeared conquerer, agree!"

"Crimson Apocalyspe is right," said another voice. Just so you know, our
villains are gathered in an inconspicious secret hideout room, with a big
round table and six chairs. It's dimly lit, like most of these rooms. This
shadowy figure, unlike CA, is male. "I, Bill Bytes, the incredible Blood Man,
former juggling monk and possessor of the Man Ring, knows that even my
powreful strength and uncanny blood sense are relativly stupid powers and that
all of us would have trouble taking over a small country. Let's face facts, we
suck. But, since Poland's only heroes can't battle us--"

"For the mighty Iron Canary, sister to the great Alpha Lord," said the evil
Composite Ninja, " will not lead them against her brother, for fear she will
shame her already- shamed family, and, without her leadership, they are even
greater losers and even stupider idiots than us!"

"Albin is right," said the evil Baroness Crinimal.

"That's Brfxxccxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116!" said Composite Ninja. "My
name is Brfxxccxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116! It only sounds like Albin
and the author isn't bothering to try to give us accents so you can't cheat
out by just sounding it out!"

"Alright, alright," said Baroness Crinimal. "Though I, Baroness Bianca
Bennington, aka Baroness Crinimal, the 32 year old scourge of all that is
good, does not like being scolded by those who donot possess her miraculous
self- trained shape- shifting abilities and her amazing CRINIMAL BLASTER! As I
was saying, Brfxxccxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 is right!"

"Bwahahahahaha!" said the evil Vibro Samuri. "I, Akira Ikegamil, the invisible
samuri who possesses the Vibro Sai , would say something evil right now since
we all have the same exact personality, but I'ld rather not!


NEXT: Finally! ALP and Teenfactor invade the secret base of the perplexing
Random Battallion Of Poland, plus: the aforementioned perplexing Random
Battallion Of Poland will be described! And, what's up with Leifeild? Find out
in hopefully three days in the next... TEENFACTOR!


Note: Composite Ninja's name is a real name.
Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 Hallin, pronounced Albin Hallin is
a real person. His mother is currently being fined a hefty fine for naming her
son that. It's somewhere in the netherlands or sweden or some other European
country where people get funny names.

ALP's members and the members of the perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland,
and the name the Random Battallion Of Poland were all created with Lee's
Useless Superhero Generator. All characters are mine, except Happy Pig Boy,
who is public domain/not reserved, created by Mike Freidman.


1998, Tom Russell

On to Teenfactor #28.

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Lee K. Seitz (
Created: 3 Feb 1998; Last Modified: 4 Feb 1998