Back to Teenfactor #28
Subject: LNH: Teenfactor # 29: Big Trouble In Little Poland
Date: 5 Feb 1998
Teenfactor # 29 "Big Trouble In Little Poland" Previously, In Teenfactor: Action Legion Poland and Teenfactor have teamed up, sans one member from ALP and two from Teenfactor, and then divided into two teams based on whichever ones Mable was irritated at and which ever ones he wasn't. One team rushes to stop the perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland, while the other goes to stop the package of 19 new net.villains that that self- same Battallion is trying to get. Dr. Robert Leifeild, meanwhile, finds himself pitted against Jim Lee and Todd McFarlane, and so you can expect three big battles in this issue. (HURRAY!) Cover: Susan, aka Alpha Lord, the older brother of Iron Canary, floats on a pure white cover, energy disapating from him. ******************************************************************** Prelude: Not to Teenfactor, but to something else. A prelude to yet another Leifeild one- shot.(GASP) The Vessel found himself occupied with the life- size toy vessel variants, created by Todd McFarlane. This was not a good thing for the Vessel, who found that not only did each of them match his strength, measure for measure, but that the crowd he was fighting might mean that more than one panel might develop per page. That would not please his master. Not in the least. Jenny stood there like some paperweight since in Image comics, things and people are usually forgotten. Her mission was to wait until all was lost, then she was to pull out a *BIG* Leifeildian gun and blow away the opposition. That's what she usually did, besides gratious fanboy shots. And the good doctor found himself the busiest of all. Jim Lee used all his power to summon the forces of Background, the one thing greater than Leifeild himself. The Evil One grabbed the arm of the Cyborg Vessel, struggling to pull it off. The Vessel rushed in and did just that, ripping the arm out of the socket, before all the other Vessels piled on him. Leifeild put the arm on him, like a sort of armor, and used it to forcibly backhand Jim Lee. McFarlane just laughed hysterically. Using his all- powerful living cape, Todd struck at Leifeild, pulling him by the Cyborg arm. The Hell- Spawn shot twenty or so bullets from his hand and Todd let go. He now, instead, directed the cape's attack to the Vessel, lifting him up. And so, in doing this, he caused an arry of Splash Pages like we saw in issue 27. Splash Page:Grey Vessel hits the Vessel who is held high in the air by McFarlane's cape. Splash Page: Green Vessel hits the Vessel. Splash Page: Grey Vessel With Orange Pants hits the Vessel. Splash Page: Cyborg Vessel hits the Vessel. Splash Page: Hamburger Face Vessel hits the Vessel. Splash Page: Close up of Jenny. Splash Page: Jenny picks up a *BIG* Leifeildian gun... Splash Page: And blasts the crap out of every Vessel except the original. Dr. Leifeild looked up to see that and breathed a sigh of releif before Jim Lee got back up and kicked Leifeild squarly in the behind. Todd stepped aside, opening the door, in hopes that, at long last, Dr. Robert Leifeild would be kicked out of Image. No such luck. Leifeild's lawyers blocked the doorway. "I told you I'ld never be kicked out of Image!" he screeched maniacally. "And now... it's going to happen..." The Evil One's assailants looked up as an arm reached from the table where Leifeild had been working, grasping for life, as the eternal silence came over the battling foes. The red gloved hand shook with a mixture of fear and of joy. Todd McFarlane gasped and his eyes rolled, looking to Jim Lee, and they both realized what had been unleashed. They stood, silent and still, afraid of what was going to happen next. Leifeild ran up maniacally, feeling for the pulse of his evil creation. It had one, though it was faint and eratic. He got two metal discs, placing them near his champion of evil's chest. He pulled endless wires and attached them to the discs, and the platform raised up. A window opened above, which had not been drawn before because it was a background. Rain raged outside, dripping methodically. Every few moments, lightning dashed, and five seconds later, thunder crashed. The body began to rise up, upon the platform, and reach the outside.The time between the lightning and thunder lessened, which meant it was getting closer. The two, Lee and McFarlane, had come here to stop this, but now, so captivated by fear and curiosity, they dare not to move. The Vessel action figures, riddled with bullets, began to rise up, but when they did, when they opened their plastic eyes, a sense of fear filled their very souls. If toys have souls, that is. For they saw a pillar of lightning strike the limp body and that lightning danced, telling of death, destruction; fire and brimstone. Leifeild's evil laughter grew as the platform lowered itself and the window closed. The platform reached its lowest point, and the doctor waved his evil hand over it, hoping to cool the steaming body before it became too hot and scarred to handle. The hand of the figure shot up immediatly. Leifeild grasped a sheild, a round disc that lay nearby, colored red, white, and blue with a giant blue star in the center. The Evil One grabbed the hand forcibly, pulling the sheild onto its hand and forcing it to grasp its reigns. The figure began to stand, and the horrified duo of Lee and McFarlane gasped as it stood before them. "It is finally done!" screeched Leifeild. "Behold the birth of... the American Fighter!!!" ************************************************************************* Mable was not having a good day. Sure, being a net.hero was bound to have its setbacks... but climbing aboard ships to get a giant package containing ninteen freshly- trained net.villains was not one of them. Bad enough he was stuck in Poland, but now here he was, in that country, climbing aboard said ship to get said giant package containing said net.villains. Obviously, he was not pleased with the current turn of events. Shaggy dragged on behind him, with Compubullet behind Shaggy. Teenfactor's resident feral member considered cutting the big, slick ladder leading up to the ship with his sharpened claws, so that Compubullet wouldn't continue upwards, thus saving the already- fractured sanity of both Shaggy and Malingerer Lad. He didn't, and he would live to regret it. Mable reached the top and surveyed the sight. The giant crate which he assumed contained the new members of the perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland stood, with a small hole, maybe some three feet in diameter (its a big crate), busted open, the remains of which lay neatly nearby. Malingerer Lad carefully stepped towards the crate, signalling Shaggy to cover his back. The leader of Teenfactor examined the hole and nodded silently to himself. "Shaggy... come here. Look." Shaggy signalled Compubullet to cover their backs, then immediatly wished he had signalled someone to protect them from Compubullet. He knealt down near Mable. "Look here," said Malingerer Lad, taking a deep breath. "If someone broke out of the box, then the pieces of wood would of went (aLLiterative Lass... is she gone for good?) out more, propelled by the force of the kick and the slick, frictioness surface of the poop deck, instead of right next to it." "What if they did it carefully?" suggested Shaggy. "Shaggy," argued Mable, "you got supersenses. You take one whiff of what's in that crate." Shaggy stuck his nose near but then pulled it back. "No thanks." "If you were stuck in that box with that small for such a long trip, would you be subtle about getting out of it?" Mable hushed him with a hand gesture. "That was a rhetorical question. No, I think somebody-- outside the box-- pryed it open just before we got here." "Wrong," said the voice of Omega Bat. "Omega Ba--?" Shaggy stopped himself in mid question, nodded slightly. "No... its not Omega Bat..." The form of Omega Bat flew down gracefully on his motorcycle, without the Lass Dragon with him. Mable looked confused but knew to trust Shaggy's instincts. "Compubully!" he commanded. "Take out that Omega Bat!" "I want my bribe," said Compubullet. The net.hero folded up his arms and closed his eyes, though the look of mania still flashed in them. Shaggy handed him a ten dollar bill. In response, Compubullet smacked Omega Bat with the butt end of his Sonic Battleaxe. Omega Bat's eyes fluttered and he fell to the ground. Shaggy quickly pulled off a well- devised Omega Bat mask to reveal the face of Myron T.Feebles, famous net.hero impersonator. "Who is he?" asked Mable, who, like Shaggy, had never actually met Myron. "I don't know," Shaggy said. "Let's just take him to Net.ropolis. Maybe one of the LNH knows who he is." "Alright," said Mable, "but it better be off panel. I swear, if I have to go thru another big storyline in Net.ropolis, well, I'll do something out of character." "I didn't know you *had* a character," said Shaggy. "Shut up," said Mable. "I'm getting some development now. Maybe I might get my own long storyline just to myself." "Yeah, right," said Shaggy, "And maybe Action Legion Poland will get their own series." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COMING SOON TO AN RACC NEAR YOU! THE ACTION LEGION POLAND LIMITED SERIES, FEATURING THE ORIGIN OF EVERYONE'S FAVORITE NEW TEAM! BE THERE, OR BE SQUARE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shaggy blinked. In that one moment of shock, surprise, and longing for an author who wouldn't do anything for a cheap joke, he found himself hit over the head with a large chain at unbelievably slow speed. He rubbed his head and whirled around to face his attacker. Before him sat a slug wearing a large black cape and black mask. Okay, it was a giant slug. "You... know... face... the soc...io...pathic...slug...prowler. Pre...pare...to...die." Shaggy leaped towards the Slug Prowler but with a flash of light and brimstone, he had disappeared. Shaggy whirled around to see him hanging onto the crate's sides with his slippery mucous. "I...may...be...slow, but...I...can...teleport." Another flash appeared. This time, Shaggy leaped back, and he saw the Prowler behind him. Shaggy smiled until he found himself hurled backwards towards the crate with a large sound. "Oh...did...I...mention...my...force...blasts?" laughed the Slug Prowler slowly. "Or...perhaps...my... uncanny...ability...to..." He disappeared and reappeared, just above Shaggy. "...gen...er...ate...and...control...sound?" Malingerer Lad hadn't fought a real net.villain lately and this would be what would pass for one. "Alright, Slug Prowler... prepare to be defeated!" "$*#* YOU!" said a voice behind him with a smile. He turned to see a sultry red haired, red dress- wearing woman who would give The Amazon Queen of The Moon a run for her money. "I am $*#*in' Princess Flame, $*#*in' mistress of $*#*in' Elasticity, caused by $*#*in' magic. You $*#*in' got that, $*#*@!?" "Yes ma'am," Mable said meekly, and quite afraid. Princess Flame grabbed him by stretching out her arms, holding him still. "Free $*#*in' shots! Who $*#*in' wants $*#*in' free shots on this little $*#*?" "How about I?" said a voice smoothly, like butter. A well dressed man wearing a featurless mask appeared in the limelight. "SSSSHHHHatter Chamelon?" He let the SH part of Shatter extend out in a sauve tone. A white gloved hand produced a CD (Chamelon Disc, though it looks the same as a Compact one, and he tossed it towards Mable. "This is how I deal with snotty nosed little punks." Now, any good reader can guess what happens next. I mean, its been used as a plot device over and over again, and even though I'm developing his character, Mable doesn't mind being used as a plot device, does he? "Yes, I do," Mable said. Too bad. Anyway, Mable's sole allergy, that to puns, took over. Since Malingerer Lad controls snot and puke and pretending to be sick, on the basis of himself, that is, he really usually does have snot around his nose. Its encrusted. Really gross, you know? Well, his allergy started up and moucus flew around everywhere, shattering the disc of Shatter Chamelon, destroying the make up of Princess Flame and strengthening the Slug Prowler. Two of the villains chose this time to run; they took the Slug back into the box with them. Mable closed up the box, he and Shaggy glad they had finished a job well done. ******************************************************************* And now for the real fight. The perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland stood, confident that they could equal the power of the Teenfactor- Action Legion Poland members sent to stop them. They looked pretty impressive, thought the Polybag Person meekly. Well, he would give Mable an "E" for the day, and that would teach him to overabuse power. They may of looked pretty impressive, but Carolyn, underneath her unbeleivably unimaginably (aLL... no, no... AssonAnce lAss was here! Well, that doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?) comfortable Areo Lass suit, knew that they were no real danger. The thing was, someone had to stop them, even if it no one wanted to waste their time doing it. Instead of waiting for the obligitory comment from her team about hopeless odds which would be followed by an impressive boast of power from one of the villians, Carolyn instead opted to fire six of her stun pullets at the six villains, one for each, which would give the team time to regain their confidence (or what little they had.). Alpha Lord waved his hand evilly, turning the stun pellets back to their natural beginnings. Well, Carolyn wasn't quite sure what those were, the stun pellets having been originally manufactured by her mother with her suit. On that day when she picked up that package from her mother,(MLAT # 5.) she had the stun pellets with it and it had never dawned on her to investigate what they were. Needless to say, when six asprins with electrical energy surrounding it appeared, she wasn't expecting it. The Vibro Samuri whirled his sai at inane speeds, sending the electrically charged asprin towards Daresquirrel. " 'You shall not harm me or my mighty Darehorse,' said Daresquirrel," said Daresquirrel. Using his uncanny ability, he generated a giant ball of fruitcake, which destroyed the former stun pellet. "I, Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, shall mimic your abilities!" said Composite Ninja in the standard 60's supervillain fashion. "As the Composite Ninja created a giant fruit cake, Daresquirrel recklessly rushed into Blood Man, who's Man Ring was Daresquirrel's sole source of weakness, pushing him into the Composite Ninja. Daresquirrel realized that while the Composite Ninja mimiced his abilities, he was susceptible to the Man Ring's power!" said Daresquirrel in his flat tone of voice. The Composite Ninja was defeated then, but Daresquirrel fell back. " 'Do not worry about me, my newfound companions at arms! ' said Daresquirrel," said Daresquirrel. Tuxedo Manga tossed one of his roses at Blood Man, causing him to keel over from the sure force of the flower power. Alpha Lord had been floating omniously but now decided that there was a time for floating omniously and a time for action! With that, Susan focused his power into an offensive and all powerful ALPHA BLAST! (TM) The ALPHA BLAST! (TM) ripped into Carolyn, who fell limp, torn to shreds. He smiled evilly and every one gasped at the same time. Alpha Lord continued his laughing as he floated just past Areo Lass. With a wide grin, he looked back and forth to the shocked heroes. The laughing died down but sure as plot devices, he started laughing once more, even more evilly. It was at this time that Carolyn got up, without a scratch on her, thanking the lord almighty that she was immortal, and kicked Alpha Lord squarely between the legs. The evil leader of the perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland stopped laughing, and slowly turned around. He never saw Carolyn's fist as it smacked into his nose, breaking it. Alpha Lord fell down to the ground without a sound. "Don't you ever do that again!" said Carolyn as she kicked his limp form. "That hurt!" The shocked Random Battallion of Poland, their great leader defeated, decided that it was time to retreat. Baroness Crinimal aimed her Crinimal Blaster high into the sky. Everyone of the heroes gasped as she pulled the trigger. And what was her Crinimal Blaster's awesome power, in reality? A compact size, maxinum sound CD player which currently played... Hans.net! The heroes screeched, for they did not have cotton in their ears to protect them. Areo Lass, Vixen, the Polybag Person, Daresquirrel, Tuxedo Manga and Crimson Apocalyspe all exited the secret hideout of the perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland. Crimson Apocalyspe stopped as she saw the heroes looking at her. "Oops," she said simply as she zipped back into the secret hideout, which promptly transformed itself into one of those stupid Power Ranger Zords, which promptly transformed itself to a sattelite which lifted off into space. ******************************************************************** "I'm sorry, really I am," said Pat as she removed her Iron Canary helmet. Teenfactor had regrouped in the Teencruiser, with the Action Legion Poland with them. " I mean, this was my oppurtunity to make a big impression on you guys, make myself seem heroic. But I blew it, didn't I?" "No," said Carolyn, shaking her head. " It takes courage, in its own way, not to battle your own flesh and blood." "I know," said Shaggy, "kind of like that whole Underbaker and Cane thing on the PRF (Polish Rasslin' Federation.) Does anyone else see the symbolism there? I do. I mean, Cane? C'mon, what parent names their kid after the world's first murderer? " "Besides," said Carolyn, ignoring Shaggy, "it takes real strength of character not to fight your brother, Susan--- more strength recquired than to send half your team against Poland's greatest net.villains, causing one of them to get blown up in the process--- a person whom shall remain nameless." Mable scowled at her with an angry look. "You watch it, Carolyn, or else--!" He warned. The Polybag Person smiled as he walked up to Mable. "Well, class," he said, "for your second mission, you all get a grade of an "A". " "I didn't know he graded our missions," said Shaggy. "Well, um, no, I usually don't," said Martin, "but considering the fact we haven't held a class since late October, I think we better start grading the missions. So everyone has an A, except for Mable, who gets an E for abusing power and threatening to abuse power." "Well, well," whispered Shaggy to Carolyn, "looks like Mr. Mylar is finally developing a backbone." "Yeah," Carolyn whispered back, "too bad its when he's facing a 15 year old and not a net.villain." Mable sat back in his seat, being shocked, as a tennis ball hit him in the head and fell to the ground. Toby rushed over and picked it up. "I'm sorry, Mr. Mable," said Toby sweetly, "I didn't mean to hit you. You're okay, aren't you, sir? That's good. I'll go play with my new pet now, sir." Mable nodded, then waited for several seconds. "New Pet?!" he asked as the Teencruiser began to lift off. "Yes," said Toby as a familar purple dragon landed on his shoulder. "Miss Pat said I could keep the Lass Dragon! Isn't that just wonderful?" Mable began to break into tears, realizing that next time he tried to develop his character, he would do it safely. **************************************************** NEXT: Carolyn's birthday! Roxanne takes her to the doctor to prove, once and for all, that she has tapeworm! But the two get more then they bargained for, in a story that will change Teenfactor forever!!!! Myron T. Feebles is public domain, created by Hubert Bartels. Teenfactor is mine. ALP, the perplexing Random Battallion Of Poland and the Battallion's recruits were created using Lee's Useless Superhero Generator. ********************************************************* 1998, Tom Russell Jnr.
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